I love my sister. But I can’t stand her husband. He is an idiot who thinks he is better than other people and talks down to them. I am a man in my 50s and I used to visit my sister a lot, but now I would rather do something else. I try to hide it, but it must be clear I am not keen on him. They have been married for eight years and things are getting worse; he used to work and contribute, but now he doesn’t even do that. What can I do? I want to support my sister while spending as little time as possible with her husband.
This happens in lots of families, unfortunately. Unless one’s parents split and remarry, it’s usually only when siblings partner up that a new person (a stranger!) is brought into the family and the dynamics change. We all wish these new additions bring joy and harmony, but sadly often they do not. And then we’re not only saddled with a person we don’t like, who is now part of the family, but we’re left looking at the person who brought them in and thinking, “Really?” This can lead to all manner of unravelling of childhood feelings when it’s a sibling.
Unfortunately we can’t control this, as people will insist on doing their own thing. You didn’t tell me your sister’s age (or about her previous partners and how you felt about them) but it sounds as if this dynamic is relatively new to you.
Reading your letter I was left wondering about many things – the age gap between you and your sister, what your relationship was like before, how you were brought up.
My specialist this week, UKCP-registered psychotherapist Stephanie White, felt the same. Sorry for all the questions, but they may help you. We wondered if you were used to looking after your sister or being her protector? What did your brother-in-law change for you?
“Is there,” asks White, “something familiar here? Does he remind you of a significant person from your early life?”
This can be important because, while you may still find your brother-in-law annoying, the irritation may lessen if you realise he reminds you of someone else and is therefore being overly harshly judged.
The fact that your brother-in-law doesn’t work and “doesn’t contribute” also seems really pertinent here. No one likes a sponger – is that how you see him? “Ultimately,” says White, “your sister chose this man.” And maybe in her doing so you see parts of her you don’t like and find it difficult to admit to? Maybe you have to come to a place where you love your sister but don’t like her choices. Are you with someone? Does she like your partner?
White suggests you try to see if there’s any common ground with your brother-in-law. That may be hard given your feelings towards him, but it’s worth a try. If not, “try to manoeuvre time with your sister without him”.
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I’ve long come to the conclusion that sometimes it’s easier to have feelings toward the in-law(s) than the person who brought them in. Problems presented as, for example, “I don’t get on with my mother-in-law” are often, when you scratch the surface, really about, “I wish my husband would be more assertive.” That’s worth thinking about.
In therapy, it’s said that people we don’t like often remind us of people from our childhood, or even bits of ourselves that we don’t like. And while I think that’s true, I’m not a therapist so I can say that sometimes people are just plain annoying. In our own lives we can move away from these people, but when they are brought into the family by others, we are stuck with them.
All you can do is try to work out just why you find your brother-in-law so annoying, which may help. And then do not reduce the time you spend with your sister, but don’t spend any more time with him than necessary. If your sister asks, I find the very English phrase “he’s just not my cup of tea” works wonders.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.