After years of no sexual intimacy with my wife, I am now craving the comfort of somatic connection. Not actual sex, but simply cuddling and being held close while nude. But my wife has refused. I have suggested we try “progressive desensitisation” therapy, which would involve lying down together, with one item of clothing removed, but with no physical contact. We would build from there in the knowledge that this would not lead to sexual contact. My wife, when I suggested it, was not at all interested in this, and in fact, she was actively opposed.
She told me the problem was in my head and that she had zero interest in physical intimacy. She also said that this was normal for older women. I told her it was my impression that older people actually craved appropriate physical touch. She then agreed that I could just lie in her bed fully clothed before retiring to my own bedroom. But this was just awkward and humiliating for me, because it was obvious that she was not in the least invested in my presence. So I gave up the idea completely. In every other regard our marriage is healthy. At times, I consider asking her if she could accept my seeking intimacy elsewhere, but I think this would lead to the end of our marriage. I feel trapped – I love my wife but my resentment is growing.
Your sense of despair and sadness is understandable, and you deserve to be happier. Your needs are real and valid, but in truth this is not a sexuality problem; rather, it is a power struggle that you are losing. Your joint task would be to break down the barriers to fully seeing each other’s simple human needs and struggles, to summon empathy, and to find common ground.
When two people are locked into this kind of emotional “prison”, it is very difficult to see a way out. There can be a way, but the impasse that has developed is so well-entrenched that it is unlikely to be dissolved without the willing participation of both of you in some kind of mediation process – preferably couples counselling. Many couples lack the communication and negotiating skills necessary to overcome such a problem without outside help.
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