Nicole, 53
I thought Simon might leave me if I said no to swinging. I agreed to it for him, for our relationship
Simon and I met on a blind date when I was 19. I was immediately attracted to him – he looked like a tall Tom Cruise. In the years that followed, we got married, had kids. I was too busy being a mother to think about my needs, or his, which meant Simon stopped feeling wanted. I felt inadequate, like I couldn’t give him what he needed.
When I found flirtatious messages on his phone from another woman, it was a wake-up call. I felt hurt and betrayed, and trust was lost. Then one night in bed, Simon gently suggested swinging. I was resistant to it, but I thought Simon might leave me if I said no. I agreed to it for him, for our relationship. I never thought it would end up bringing so much value to my life.
Simon signed us up to local swinging group’s mailing list, but I thought it looked seedy, so he set up a profile for us on Swinging Heaven, a dating app for people in the lifestyle. A week later, we were in a pub interviewing a couple about everything from safety and consent to swinging resorts. Meeting these nice people helped quell my fears.
I’ve since discovered that I’m bisexual. When I kissed a woman for the first time, I thought: “Wow, this is why men love kissing women; they’re so soft and sensual.”
Simon would have sex twice a day if he could, whereas I’d prefer to have it every seven to 10 days. We now have sex four to five times a week, which is more in line with Simon’s libido than mine. This level of compromise partly comes from an old insecurity: that if he doesn’t feel satisfied, he could cheat again. But swinging has given Simon the freedom he needs, so he’s less likely to now.
On a personal level, swinging has boosted my confidence – I used to feel insecure about my body, but now I feel empowered and sexy. It’s also improved our relationship, forcing us to communicate and be more open with each other. I always say that as long as your relationship is strong, every couple should try swinging at least once.
Simon, 55
Mostly, it’s a turn on to see my wife with other people. Having sex with other people has also transformed our sex life with each other
Because I have a higher sex drive than Nicole, when our sex life waned after 29 years of marriage, I found it frustrating. So, 10 years ago, I began an affair with a colleague. Although we didn’t have sex, we’d message and meet up in secret. It felt good to be desired. When Nicole found out, I ended it, but I realised I needed sexual freedom. I no longer wanted a monogamous life.
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Two years after the affair, I suggested to Nicole that we try swinging. She was initially sceptical, so we were cautious. We went for drinks with a couple experienced in the lifestyle and bombarded them with questions. We wanted to know everything. After an OK first experience with another couple in their hot tub, we had sex with that first couple. With them, we were in safe hands, and we’ve been friends ever since.
The swinging lifestyle is more than just sex, it’s friendship. We have “besties with benefits”, who we see every other week and care deeply for. I need to feel something for someone to have sex, but I’d struggle to be in love with someone else.
There has been surprisingly little jealousy on both sides, especially when we know the people well. Mostly, it’s a turn on to see my wife with other people. Having sex with other people has also transformed our sex life with each other, and made me desire my wife more.
People comment on our physical connection, which is still strong after 34 years. But where before we’d go weeks without having sex, we now have it every other day. I feel most attracted to Nicole when she is radiant, happy and confident, surrounded by her friends, and getting attention from men and women who fancy her.